A Fireman, Porcelain Doll, and a Beauty Queen Swim to The Canary Islands...

Stop Me if You've Heard This One Before...

They say, “you can always judge a man not by his friends, but by the quality of his enemies.” If that’s true we should probably turn in our “super hero” badges now and go our separate ways ’cause our enemies are a bunch of fuck-tards. Rowdy Randy? Pimply faced frat-boy reject Molek? Really? But I get ahead of myself.

So here we are on landing approach to the Canary Islands when a bunch of shirtless flying guidos with helmets appear and start shooting lightning bolts at our plane. Our Deadpool looking wanna-be, Fizzard, starts “Poppin bottles in the ice, like a blizzard” in the sky but while the ladies may like his style, the guidos didn’t and they kept dodging the big F’s blocks (apparently they fear shrinkage quite a bit. I wonder why…). Cap Portugal said he could get out there and fight them so I told him to do so and took over control of the plane.

All is going as planned but then I noticed one of the Guidos had a tattoo like the prick I met up in Arlington a few weeks ago. Dude was a real ass-hole and well, PMS is a bitch. So I hit him with the plane. Now when you have a plane that can convert to a submarine one has to believe it would be able to take a minor collision in mid-air. Besides that, they do tests on the engines by throwing birds in them to ensure an engine doesn’t take down the plane if something is inadvertently sucked in. I mean really, the Guido is basically just a giant bird and the engine probably shouldn’t have just exploded like that when he hit it. Obviously, it was defective. Probably a United Technology engine.

So calm as can be I try to right the plane and emergency land on water. The plane was hard to control and so I tell the Marionette to get a parachute in back just in case. I can’t imagine she’ll survive a plane crash very well and if I hit the volcano well… its that humpty-dumpty gluing the pieces back together again thing. Not pretty, lets avoid it. Anyway, I struggled and asked Fizzard to seal the engine and make it aerodynamic to help me stabalize. He obliged, I steadied the plane, was able to target the water, slow down, and come in for a mildly rough landing. Cap P joined us, sealed the plane, and we went to Submarine mode and made it to the island with 5 hours to spare. No sweat.

We got close to the island and took a small launch to land. From there we hoofed it through the woods. A 5 mile hike through jungle to the volcano top was very scenic. We were making good time when a few Raptors decided to drop in on us. I’ve seen Jurassic Park like 10 times and let me tell you, it is nothing like the real raptors. Pack hunters my ass. They just attacked like chumps and got a bit lucky with a claw here and there. And for the record, Marionnete is like lightning. She moves like a butterfly and stings like a mack truck. Once the luggage hit the ground permanently I checked them out and found GPS tags. i took them for possible future use.

Anyway, after applying some treatment to Fizz to get him standing again we continued on our way. M. was doing some scouting and discovered a band of tribal/native/fashion disasters coming our way. I was all for avoiding them but we ended up effectively blasting an air horn for everyone to know, “HEY! COMPLETELY UNSTEALTHY SCHMUCKS ARE RIGHT HERE” to the neighborhood. Some loin-cloth clad native found us and started jabbering at us in a language that sounded like pig-latin. I decided to see what he was thinking, flashed a smile and a wink, then read his thoughts. I didn’t have to go far to note the concept of “Sacrifice” and “lunch”. I mentioned to M. we needed to get out of there post-haste and she picked me and F. up and jumped. A lot. While a very quick means of egress, it plays havoc on your back.

So like a giant porcelain kangaroo with 2 kids, we jumped to the top of the volcano. Once there, we checked out the buildings and found one with a lot of dead lab coat wearing types all dead and beaten to a pulp. One “scientist” happened to still be alive though in trouble. With my assistance, F. was able to resuscitate him. As expected, the dude wasn’t much help and couldn’t tell us anything we didn’t already know. What can you do, though? Sometimes you just gotta save people even if they’re useless. And probably evil. Let’s not forget that.

At the bottom of 6 flights of stairs (6 flights? Secret government compound anyone?), we see the Spanish Main connected to his machine, his sabre, and a camera. Fizzard being camera shy freezes and knocks over the camera. I was ready for my close up too, me and F. are going to have a serious chat about this later. Anyway, suddenly, Molek’s voice plays and says aren’t we enthusiastic (or some other dumb shit comment) and accelerates the countdown clock to 60 seconds. I go grab the sabre and F. investigated and found a “release” lever. Dude’s gotta go to Vegas, what are the odds of finding that? Better still, what are the odds that someone would actually investigate?? Right?

Spanish Main releases and all of the sudden the Volcano starts to erupt. Figures. This Molek does not have an original bone in his body. We exit the Observatory and run into…..drum roll please. Macho Man Randy Savage. Apparently with Downs or some other unfortunate mental defect. Oh, and a giant metal body. with fists bigger than my body. Oh, and some Guido minions. Anyway, Marionnet saunters over to Macho Man and goes one on one. Fizzard and I take on the minions; Fizzard by trying to suffocate the life out of them (dude, lithium… all i’m saying) and me by beating the snot out of them. Long story short, we whooped them.

And as a brief aside. Recall the afore mentioned PMS comment. Throwing electrically charged guidos into the volcano is a PERFECTLY acceptable strategy, especially when they die anyway once defeated. Besides, Guidos beat by a girl? Shit, they would have jumped if I hadn’t thrown them in!!

Anyway, Marionette knocked out Randy with one hit (glass jawed mofo, am I right??), and now we’ve got this Actively Erupting Volcano on which we are standing. What does Fizzard Do? Drops a metric SHIT TON of dry ice into the volcano. This is “how to put out a volcano 101” folks. Bravo! Like a bad sitcom, you can guess the next thing that happens. Our boy Molek calls us to tell us how he kid napped Acid Rayne. He and I bantered a little bit and we discussed shrinkage and ice berg tips. He was trying to be meaningful but i’ve gotten better dialogue off of a cheerios box.

So after hanging up on Jr, the best thing ever happened! Fizzard created a 4 MILE LONG ice slide to get us from the top of the volcano to the airport. That was an AWESOME ride… but it is a good thing I was wearing my thong cause that would have been atomic wedgie city.

Anyway, once at the bottom, we realize we need to get back to Washington post-haste. Our plane/sub has got to be repaired so I make a phone call and have a private jet sent to the airfield to fly us back to the States. The rest is, as they say, history.



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